Sunday, November 22, 2009

How I learned to stop worrying and love my huge penis

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How I learned to stop worrying and love my huge penis
August 14, 2009 at 1:11 am by Shawn Alff

A book review of How to Live with a Huge Penis
By Dr. Richard Jacob and Rev. Owen Thomas

In a society obsessed with size–with cars as small as soapbox racers and cell phones like matchbooks–it’s no wonder men with oversized male genitalia, or OMG, are still persecuted. But, a new book, How to Live with a Huge Penis: Advice, Meditations, and Wisdom for Men Who Have Too Much, offers hope. It has finally given me the strength to come unzipped about my well endowed penis.

OMGs are such a taboo subject, I didn’t even realize I had one until I measured my erection with the ruler provided on the book’s inside cover. Technically I only have a “well endowed penis,” as opposed to a full blown OMG, but I may have misdiagnosed myself. (Readers are instructed to place the ruler at the base of the penis, possibly adding several inches of undercarriage. As a gentleman, I always measure from the top)

In any case, I had no idea that 5 ½ to 6 ½ inches of stately manhood constituted a well endowed penis. Indeed, this is the book’s main goal: to raise awareness of OMGs. No longer should men be ashamed of the enormous birth defects cradled in their underpants like the muscular arm of a Siamese twin.

Not only did this book save my life, it also resurrected my manhood. Like many men with an OMG, I contemplated penis reduction surgery and even committing suicide by tying my penis around my neck and thinking of vaginas the size of the Hoover Dam. My tormented childhood, the embarrassment of having to wear a construction hard hat as a cup to little league baseball, was a huge factor in my move to Florida–a state that resembles my penis and no longer requires OMGs to be registered with the DMV.

Everyman with an OMG has struggled with the perpetual fear of his penis catching in doors or shaking loose from the shackles of duct tape that keeps it suspended in your shorts. For all you “normal” men, just imagine how difficult it is for someone with an OMG to fly: we’re continually strip searched under suspicion of smuggling missiles, and new regulations require us to purchase an extra seat to accommodate our OMG (After the movie Snakes on a Plane, airlines no longer allow OMGs to be stored in the overhead compartment or under the seat). A man who carries “a huge penis also carries a sack full of painful memories… Accidentally making sexual partners hemorrhage or vomit. Suffering the sweltering days of summer in long pants”(10).

These obstacles led one of the authors, Rev. Owen Thomas, into a life of celibacy and priestly man-dresses. Rev. Thomas met the coauthor, Dr. Richard Jacob, at a hospital after Jacob had beaten his huge penis bloody with a hammer.

Thomas and Jacob confront the bias toward OMGs head on. Grade school gym coaches still condone the ridicule of boys forced to sit on the sidelines of soccer games, because their OMGs can’t be contained by wind shorts and they lacked adequate penis guards. Even at CL, an office full of liberal writers, small penis propaganda abounds like, “my penis is so small it was on China’s female gymnastics team.”

Once and for all the authors overturn the myths that OMGs are contagious, or that men with huge penises have smaller brains. Horse-cock hatred isn’t limited to humans. Elephants are often poached not for their tusks, but for their second trunks, which make excellent sleeping bags. The only point the author’s disagree on is how to deal with small penis elitists. I side with Rev. Thomas, the acclaimed author of the crime novels Megapsycho and Thunderstorm of Blood; he suggests a crowbar.

Another chapter offers tips for unzipping: coming out to friends and family. Readers are advised to clear the room of “kill triggers,” large phallic objects that feed a desire to kill. Never unzip in anger or in a public venue. Move through the opening quickly so your family isn’t disappointed when they discover you’re not coming out about your homosexuality.

This book even delves into the sensitive issue of sex and maintenance. Cumcrete situations and Maury Povich Syndrome can be prevented by squeezing your member like a toothpaste tube and working it with a rolling pin. Every man with an OMG knows that vaginas turn to sandpaper as a natural defense against large penises. Although you may never go “balls deep” like your small penis friends, Harvard’s S.P.I.T (safe penile intercourse techniques) method will help you work the tip in. Advice is also given on preventing rod rash, tip gnawing, and uterine encroachment. Fainting spells from erections, or hallucinations of talking animals due to blood loss from the brain, can be managed by carrying pictures of your grandparents. Potentially fatal nocturnal erections can be prevented by wearing night guards. If you do find a safe harbor for your OMG, the authors suggest giant novelty condoms. I’ve also used Glad Bags with red handle ties, though only with limited success.

While How to Live with a Huge Penis is physically long, it contains a lot of fluff, which is partly due to the gaping hole in OMG research. The scientific community has long denied the “theory” of huge penises as they shake the tenants of evolution. Congress has systematically cut off OMG funding as huge penises are not mentioned in the Bible. The end of the book is largely blank for you to fill with your own advice on managing your OMG. Mine reads like a diary: “Dear Well Endowed Penis, today I bought you tube sock because I know how cold you get in the winter.”

This book doesn’t specifically address French Bread Loaves (long skinny penises) or tuna cans (thick short ones), but it’s inspiring that we’re finally openly discussing penises that aren’t the size of fishing tackle. When friends, and even potential love interests, drop by my apartment, I prominently display one of my copies of How to Live with a Huge Penis on the coffee table. If visitors have any further questions, I’m happy to unzip and drape my OMG over the arm of the couch. Our OMGs are out and proud, never again to be suppressed by tightly wrapped rolls of Ace bandages and baggy pants.

I go one step further than Thomas and Jacob, proposing that OMG supporters wear flesh colored ribbons. A month should be dedicated to OMGs, where students learn about how the theory of relativity was a consequence of Einstein reflecting on his massive penis, and how Mozart’s final opera, “The Magic Flute,” was an attempt to reconcile with his penis.

We must learn to be proud of our trouser cannons. Even though our penises are large enough for us to fellate ourselves, we must stand tall and remember that we are still men.

How to Live with a Huge Penis: Advice, Meditations, and Wisdom for Men Who Have Too Much

How to Live with a Huge Penis: Advice, Meditations, and Wisdom for Men Who Have Too Much
By Richard Jacob, Owen Thomas
List Price: $12.95
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Product Description

For generations, conventional wisdom stated that you could never sell a book with 'penis' in the title - until Quirk's "Penis Pokey" shattered all of the rules, racking up 100,000 in net sales in just 18 months. In this same tradition comes "How to Live with a Huge Penis" - a gift every man will cherish, regardless of whether or not he actually needs it. Frankly, it's enough for someone to think he needs it. This hilarious self-help parody is full of compassionate advice for men afflicted with Oversized Male Genitalia (OMG).Far too often, these men are banished to the fringes of society, victims of their own freakish length and girth. But Dr. Richard Jacob and Rev. Owen Thomas are here with a message of tolerance and hope, along with hilarious advice on 'coming out' to your family, sharing your assets with a partner, and avoiding injury in the workplace. Complete with a daily affirmations journal and inspiring quotes from leading self-help experts, "How to Live with a Huge Penis" will send an uplifting message to men around the world.
Product Details

I this book for real or is it a joke book somebody wrote to make fun of guys big ones.We either get that,disbelief were all liars and only porn stars have big ones or the women prefer the average or small-Opps-screw me for having a big dick.

* Amazon Sales Rank: #18338 in Books
* Published on: 2009-03-04
* Original language: English
* Number of items: 1
* Binding: Paperback
* 128 pages

Features

* ISBN13: 9781594743061
* Condition: NEW
* Notes: Brand New from Publisher. No Remainder Mark.
* Click here to view our Condition Guide and Shipping Prices

Editorial Reviews

About the Author
Dr. Richard Jacob holds a PhD in Asian Economic Psychology from East Somerville University, where he was an instructor until 2003. He lives in Sherman, Connecticut, where he runs an e-commerce consulting business out of a spare bedroom in his home. Rev. Owen Thomas is an ordained Catholic priest, counselor, and celebrated crime novel author. His acclaimed series of Frank Stryver thrillers has sold nearly 43,000 copies to date, and one of these novels (Megapsycho) was translated into Korean. He lives in Cambridge, Massachusetts, and Miami Beach.
Customer Reviews

This book changed my life.5
For years I struggled with this thing in my pants. I often asked myself if God made it, why did it hurt so many people's wives, sisters, mothers, and girlfriends? It just didn't seem fair. Especially when I supplied enough witty banter and vodka shots to ensure anal was also on the menu. But every time a lady would see it, she'd be like a Mexican nurse who slowly crosses herself and prays as she backs out of the room when a baby with claws for hands is born. However, just as having sex with girls in comas had left me wanting more, I found this book! And it changed my life! No more feeling bad about hearing the muffled cries in the bathroom after sex! No more feeling guilty about those unfortunate stitches! So, thanks "How to Live with a Huge Penis"! Your message of hope has inspired me to share my gift with the world!

Like a community in a book. Thank you.5
Having the girth of a large shampoo bottle is allegedly a blessing... as long as you're not the one with the "gift". Guys think they want one. Women think they want it given to them. However, my psyche is scarred (and confused) from the howls I've heard after I drop trou. Are they scared? Turned on? Is there a monster behind me? No. The monster has always been in my pants. Only now, after reading this wonderful book have I been able to make peace with my piece.

Disappointing, Honestly3
You know, life isn't easy. I have to lug around a 25" penis and, quite bluntly, I need some advice on how to live life. People think my right leg has a weird growth on it. My lower back is always hurting. If I get aroused, my head spins and I pass out. It's a cornucopia of problems and people always laugh when, after being asked what the problem is, you respond with "I have a really massive wang".

You know, it's not always funny. It's painful.

I thought, maybe, Richard Richard Jacob and Owen Thomas were kindred spirits in my battle against excessive genitalism. But NO --- these two chuckleheads decide to make this whole book a comedy.

Now, admittedly, the humor is pretty funny here and there...but there is real pain here. You ever throw out your shoulder tossing your penis over your shoulder because you had to wear shorts? Does your massive wang cause whirlpools should you ever decide to skinny dip? You know what it's like to not be able to make love to your wife within the same ROOM as your wife?

It's not bloody lovely. That's what it's like.

It even makes work a bother. At every interview, I get asked to first, show my penis and then second, bang the receptionist. You know, I'm not a piece of meat. And all of the queries as to why I'm not doing porn get annoying. I TRIED doing porn once and accidentally smashed the camera when I was fully aroused and turned around too quickly.

...I also gave my leading lady a concussion, broke a window in the next room, and, well, impregnated 3 different women in a 5 block radius. It was a little mortifying.

People always say it's a blessing. Well, I'm not seeing it. When you have to lug around a wang that weighs more than a full grown Great Dane, then you can talk to me.

And, no, I didn't type this using my fingers. I CANNOT do that.

Life is so unfair sometimes.

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